KFC Forest Destroyers Shock the Nation and Make 3rd Round of Tourney
Can the Team Embrace Their New Star’s Strategy and Make the Sweet 16? Or Will They Continue to Hack and Slash to an Early Exit?
Louisville, KY – In the biggest surprise on selection Sunday, the KFC Forest Destroyers shocked the nation by winning their conference tourney to earn an automatic bid to the NCAA tournament. The KFC Forest Destroyers, who have never made the tournament in their 70-year history, are led by their iconic, slick-talking coach, Colonel Sanders. After slicing and dicing their way to zero wins all season, new star Chief Sustainability Officer and Point Guard, Roger McClendon and former all-American at Cincinnati, has rallied the team around a new “green” strategy. Can Roger lead the Forest Destroyers to the Final Four? Or will they revert to their destructive ways?
With shocking victories thus far over the North Carolina Venus Flytraps and the Piney State Woodpeckers, who they pummeled to near extinction, they are set to make history with a victory Saturday versus the Kentucky Pride, and would become the first 16th ranked team to make the Sweet 16. The team hopes to march through the tournament and meet the number one seed, McDonalds Green, the most sustainable team in the field right now.
The KFC Forest Destroyers are the first college team to be sponsored by a major corporation and are owned by Yum! Brands, the parent company of KFC. Coach Sanders, has trained his team in running screens and dribbling around the issues with fast talking and greenwashing. It wasn’t until their new point guard brought in a new green strategy that the Forest Destroyers even considered changing.
Unfortunately, Coach Sanders and the KFC executives are not sold on the new strategy. “Forests of the Southern Region may be a magical place but we are going to hack and slash our way through them to make enough buckets to win,” said Coach Sanders. “So far we have decimated the Venus Flytraps and those pesky Woodpeckers and the only thing standing in our way now is Kentucky Pride!”
The Forest Destroyers, pumped up by their play thus far, were out and about during the day on Saturday, entertaining the crowd at the Yum Center in Louisville, before their game that night. They hacked and slashed their way around the crowd and were light-hearted despite the pressure of the spotlight.
“We are here to win and no endangered species or wetlands are going to stand in the way of victory,” said Henry “Stump” Sanders, the coach’s son and starting power forward. “We’re gonna leave the Pride in the dust and win at any cost!”
KFC, the namesake company of the Forest Destroyers, is known for its chicken that comes in the iconic bucket. Unfortunately, those buckets come from the endangered forests of the Southern Swamplands that stretch from Southeast Virginia all of the way to the Georgia coast and include such beautiful places as the Green Swamp in southeastern North Carolina. Environmental group Dogwood Alliance, joined by community activists, has been trying to play zone defense against the Forest Destroyers, thus far to no avail. The North Carolina based organization, launched a website, www.kentuckyfriedforests.org detailing KFC’s flagrant fouls.
The best hope of transforming the Forest Destroyers from hackers and slackers to a truly balanced and sustainable team, strangely enough, is current Chief Sustainability Officer for Yum! Brands, Roger McClendon. McClendon, a star at the Cincinnati Bearcats in the mid-80’s, can help elevate the team and lead KFC down the path to a sustainable future. He had all the right moves when he was challenging Oscar Robertson as the top scorer in the school’s history and right now, Dogwood Alliance and fans alike are hoping he will take the reigns and turn the Forest Destroyer’s into Forest Protectors.
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To learn more about the team’s Corporate Sponsor’s role in Southern forest destruction visit: www.kentuckyfriedforests.org
Stay tuned for a video short chronicling the story of the KFC Forest Destroyers…